Herring Potter And The Sorcerer's Salmon - Of Transmegrification and Squidditch

Herring's second lesson of the day was to be Transmegrification, with Professor Meggonagal. Since Herring didn't know who she was, or of what the crap transmegrificaiton was, he had no idea what to expect. Herring sat down at a desk, and waited for the lesson to begin.

The room was very different from what he'd seen anywhere else in school. The walls were littered with vintage heavy metal posters, from artists he'd never heard of. He could hear a record playing in the corner, on an ancient turntable. Leant against a chair at the front of the class, was a shiny golden bass guitar.

"Well, this looks like an interesting lesson," Tron said. "I bet the teacher forgot, I hear Meggonagal's a bit... crazy."

"I heard that, Tron Peasley." Tron fell backwards off his chair with surprise. The class looked round for the owner of the voice, but the only people in the room were the students. Suddenly, Tho Peing let out a shrill scream;

"MOTHER OF FISHBOYS, IT WAS THE GUITAR!"

Everyone spun round. Sure enough, a face had appeared on the guitar, and was surveying the class with distain. Two arms protruded from the side, then two legs. Gradually, the bass began to take on the form of their teacher, Professor Meggonagal.

"I like to give my first years a good starting lesson," she said, picking a couple of guitar strings from her hair. "Now, let's begin." Meggonagal pulled a wand from her robes.

"Transmegrification is a difficult, and dangerous concept to grasp. It involves changing the form of an object or person, and turning it into a legendary rock star. No doubt we'll have some dismembered students by the end of the year. Which is why you were are all required to sign these insurance forms before class. Now, time for some transmegrification!"

She pointed her wand at the desk, and it disappeared in a cloud of smoke. When it cleared up, a man stood there, with long hair and clad in a catsuit. Many of the girls in the class screamed.

"That's Dustin Hawkins," Tron said, "lead singer of the wizarding rock group, The Farkness." It appeared most the the class knew this, as much swooning and fainting had been done. Once everyone had been quietened down, Meggonagal continued.

"Anyway, that's some fairly complex magic right there," she said, ushering Dustin into the cupboard. "I'll see to you later Dustin," she whispered, giving him a wink. The rockstar looked fairly terrified.

"You wont be able to conjure anyone of that musical calibur until much later in your school lifes. For now, turn to page 3 of your textbook, and read instructions on turning a needle into the mediocre artist, Britney Spears."

"Britney? She's a hottie!" Tron exclaimed.

Well, the way Tron and Herring had conjured her, she wasn't. Herring had sucessfully created a three armed pop princess, and Tron's Britney was bald. However, none of the boys seemmed to notice, as they were too busy eyeing up Mermione's transmegrification.

"Well done, Mermione," Meggonagal said, "5 points to Spiffindor. Now, to change the object back to its original state, you simply tap it with your wand, and say 'vanishus'." She tapped Mermione's Britney, and it returned to it's needle form. The boys in the class let out a dissapointed groan. Once all the Britney's had been returned to needle form, the class was dismissed.

---

After breaktime, Tron approached Herring.

"Herring, I didn't know you played Squidditch!"

"Squid...itch?"

"You know, the wizarding sport? Your name's been put down on the team tryout list."

"What? How do you play?" Herring said, knowing he didn't really want to know. It would probably involve him getting smacked around alot.

"Well, everybody flies on broomsticks, and hits random enchanted sea creatures around, basically."

Herring didn't seem to think this very humane towards his fellow sea critters, but continued to listen.

"The main, large ball is the Squid" he continued, "To score, it must be thrown through the fishing nets. Then there's the Jellyfish. The Smackers try hit opponents with them. They give a nasty sting, and often knock people off their brooms. Finally, there's the Shrimp. To end a Squidditch match, the shrimp must be caught. And that's about it."

"But who signed me up," Herring said. He didn't have long to wait to find out...

"Hi Herring, my one true love of all loves that ever did exist," a girl said from behind him. " I signed you up to save you the effort. Can't wait to see you in the Squidditch match!" Herring looked horrified. The girl happened to be Lunny Ruvegood, slightly dippy second year.

"By 'see me' do you mean watch me be bludgeoned to death by numerous aquatic creatures?"

"Sure, whatever works." she siad, blowing kisses as she walked away down the corridor.

"Great, I have a creepy stalker, insane arch-nemesis and a pile of colouring homework all in my first day. Not to mention my impending death."

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Will Herring survive Squidditch? Or will he... just not be very good? Only PART 5 OF HERRING POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S SALMON will tell!