Herring Potter And The Sorcerer's Salmon - Professor Crepe's Class

Once Herring had settled into his dormatory, and arranged all his socks in alphabetical order by colour, it dawned on him that his first lesson was tomorrow. He picked up his timetable, which he'd carelessly cast aside. The first lesson appeared to be French Pastries. Herring suddenly noticed one of his dorm mates was peering over his shoulder.

"Double Enchanted French Pastries with Proffessor Crepe? Ouch," he said, pointing to the lesson block.

"French Pastries? That doesn't sound too bad..."

"Heh, that's what you think," the boy said, before leaving Herring alone in the room.

"Pah, as long as they're not making Pan au Poisson, I'll be fine"

---

Next morning, Herring sat with Tron and Mermione at the breakfast table. Tron was reading the Daily Muppett.

"Have you seen this Herring? It appears the evil warlock, Smilius Black has escaped from Spazzkaban. He killed a whole bunch of wizards, 15 years ago."

"Woah, how did he escape?"

"Some say he weaved a mighty weapon out of his own nostril hair and toenail clippings, and fought off the Spazzmentors."

"Spazzmentors?" Herring said, raising an eyebrow. Tron suddenly twitched violently.

"Sorry, just thinking of them makes me go all spasmy. They're the guards of Spazzkaban, and they're not nice. Prisoners are sentenced to non-stop spasming, and eventually they go crazy. Some say they once worked for That Guy"

"That guy?"

"Y'know..." Tron said, and leant over to whisper in Herring's ear.

"Soldemort?"

Suddenly, all the candles went out, and the room was filled with screams, and some annoying unrelated sound effects. Herring could just about make out Tron screaming "DON'T SAY THAT NAME!" over all the chaos. After a few seconds, the lights flickered back on, and everyone returned to their breakfast.

"Meep," Herring said.

"I'MGLADWERESAFEINHOGWARTSFROMEVILNASTYPEOP LE," Mermione said. Tron looked at Herring.

"I still don't know what she's saying."

"Me either, but it's time for first lesson now," Herring said, picking up his satchel.

---

Herring chose a desk somewhat near the back, and got out his books. These included "Charming Your Croissants", "Basic Pastry Spelling For Beginners" and "Bewitching Bakes". Almost as soon as he'd taken out his wand, the professor entered.

Professor Crepe was a tall, pointy woman, with greasy black hair, and a out of place chef hat perched on her head. Over her black robes, she wore an apron, reading "Kiss the Cook".

"I'd rather not," Tron whispered to Herring. He let out a laugh.

"What's so funny, Mr. Potter?" Crepe said, her glare practically burning a hole through Herring.

"Nothing, ma'am."

"I heard about your trouble making antics in the Great Hall, Mr Potter. Don't think because you're famous, you'll be getting any special attention. Your father was a trouble maker, Potter, just like you."

Herring burnt red with a mix of embarrassment and rage. Crepe smiled, this was obviously the result she was looking for.

"Well, let's begin the lesson then, if you'd be so kind to let me, Potter," Crepe said cooly, "Enchanting French Pastries isn't all fun and games you know. Most of you will fail, no doubt, as you all suck. However, a few of you may grasp the concepts I teach you, take some on board, and who knows... becoming something more than the festering little maggots you are. This subject is special, as magic can be locked in Croissants, Crepes, Pan au Chocolate, whatever the creator chooses. These delacacies don't just taste good, they have the power to alter the consumer. To do practically anything." Crepe finished the sentence at barely a whisper. The entire class was dead silent. Except for the boy in the right hand corner, who was quite possibly just dead.

"Now, Who knows what you would get if you add a souffle batter to essence of TK's nosehair? Potter?"

"I don't know, ma'am" Herring said.

"IDOIDO!" Mermione said, flailing her hand about wildly.

"What's a Profiterole, Potter?"

"I still don't know, Ma'am." How am I supposed to, Herring thought to himself. He'd never even had a wizarding lesson before, these questions were way out his league. However, Mermione seemed to be pretty knowledgable...

"OHPLEASEPICKMEBEFOREIEXPLODE!"

"An easy one for you Potter. What's the spell prefix used to charm eclairs?"

"Ma'am, I've never learnt any of this!"

"You had the books, Potter. I can see we have another dim bulb in the box. Miss Chranger, you will tire your arm waving it about like that."

Mermione promptly put her arm down.

"Adding essence of TK's nosehair to any batter will cause a violent reaction. Many wizarding chefs have ended their careers this way. However, when the essence is added to a dough, it gives it a tangy flavour. A profiterole is a small ball of light pastry filled with cream and usually served with chocolate sauce. Commonly baked by muggles, but with wizarding magic, these light airy balls can harness great power. Finally, the charming prefix for eclairs is 'Eclairius Charmius'." Crepe sneered.

"Class, turn your Basic Pastry Spelling to page 5, and read the entire chapter. Except you, Potter."

"What do you want me to do, ma'am?" Herring said. He had a feeling it would be demeaning and embarrassing. And it was. Crepe placed a pile of colouring books on Herring's desk, along with a packet of crayons.

"Tell me if it's too hard, Potter. I can find you some 'join the dots' to do instead."

Herring muttered something totally inappropriate for this parody under his breath. What had he done to deserve this?

---

Herring couldn't remember a time he was more glad when the lesson ended.

"That was so degrading," Herring said, pressing his face against the wall.

"Well, at least you got to colour in that pretty Unicorn. That was pretty cool."

"Yeah, I guess it was," Herring said, setting off along the corridor. He only hoped next lesson wouldn't be quite so bad.


What will happen in Herring's next lesson? Will he get to colour in more pretty unicorns? Or will something WORSE happen (if that's possible). Tune in next time for more... Herring Potter And The Sorcerer's Salmon!